D’Andre Swift finally made his presence felt in fantasy football while Derrick Henry looked like an unstoppable machine. Sam Darnold and the Vikings continue to roll, as are Jayden Daniels and the Commanders. The Miami Dolphins continue to flounder thanks to the quarterback position while the Detroit Lions are humming.
Cowboys 20, Giants 15: Giants rookie receiver Malik Nabers had himself another explosive outing before leaving this one with a concussion. Nabers had 12 catches for 115 yards. Wan’Dale Robinson notched 11 grabs for 71 yards. CeeDee Lamb led the Cowboys with 7 catches for 98 yards and a touchdown while Jake Ferguson corralled 7 balls for 49 yards.
Falcons 26, Saints 24: Tyler Allgeier outpaced Bijan Robinson and Arthur Smith was not around to blame this time around. Allgeier managed 60 yards on 8 carries versus Robinson’s 28 yards on 7 attempts. Just scratch your head and smack your forehead like I did. It’s unconscionable. Drake London had 6 catches for 64 yards, Darnell Mooney 3 for 56, something called a “Ray-Ray McCloud III” had 6 for 52, and Kyle Pitts — is at least alive. He had a goose egg. Alvin Kamara rushed for 77 yards and a touchdown while catching 7 balls for 42 yards. The Saints are still trying to make “fetch” happen with Taysom Hill, who had 24 rushing yards, but scored 2 touchdowns. Chris Olave (8 for 87) and Rashid Shaheed (8 for 83) had nearly identical receiving lines.
Bears 24, Rams 18: D’Andre Swift finally emerged from the shadows of irrelevancy and had a big game in Chicago’s victory. Swift had 165 total yards with 7 catches and a rushing touchdown. DJ Moore caught 3 balls for 22 yards and a score. Caleb Williams finished with 157 yards and a touchdown. Kyren Williams recorded 94 rushing yards and a touchdown while catching 4 balls for just 10 yards. Tutu Atwell managed to leave his middle school graduation to record 4 receptions for 82 yards.
Vikings 31, Packers 29: The somehow-talented Vikings maintained control of the NFC North with a big divisional victory over the Packers. Sam Darnold still refused to take off his Superman cape and carry the clipboard for the rest of his career as he threw for 275 yards and 3 scores. Aaron Jones rushed for 93 yards against his former team while adding 4 catches for 46 more yards. Justin Jefferson is idiot proof as he caught 6 passes for 85 yards and a score. Jordan Addison caught 3 for 72 and a touchdown. Jordan Love bumbled his way back from his injury and made a great second-half comeback, tallying 389 passing yards and 4 touchdowns, while also tossing 3 picks. Jayden Reed continues to dominate as the team’s No. 1 receiver (Christian Watson truthers… lol) with 7 catches for 139 yards and a touchdown.
Colts 27, Steelers 24: Despite a strong outing from Justin Fields, the Steelers’ 3-game win streak came to a close. Fields threw for 312 yards and a touchdown while rushing 55 and 2 more scores. George Pickens had 7 catches for 113 yards and Pat Freiermuth tallied 5 grabs for 57 yards and a touchdown. Old man Joe Flacco came in to replace the injured Anthony Richardson and he threw for 168 yards and 2 touchdowns. Jonathan Taylor rushed for 88 yards and a score. Michael Pittman Jr. caught 6 passes for 113 yards while Josh Downs totaled 8 catches for 82 yards and a touchdown.
Broncos 10, Jets 9: Bo Nix had 60 yards passing and yet still defeated the Jets in this dud of a game. Ironically, Courtland Sutton had 60 yards of receiving but he wasn’t the only player to have positive receiving yards. Javonte Williams and Michael Burton each recorded 3 — count ‘em — receiving yards. But Troy Franklin and Tyler Badie lost a combined 6 receiving yards, bringing Nix back to 60. Sutton also had a touchdown on the day. Aaron Rodgers had a bland 225 passing yards and 26 rushing yards. Mike Williams led the team with 4 catches for 67 yards and Allen Lazard tallied 5 catches for 58 yards. Garrett Wilson continues to be criminally underused as he finished with just 5 grabs for 41 yards.
Buccaneers 33, Eagles 16: The Bucs rebounded from a poor showing last week to pound the Eagles in this one. Baker Mayfield threw for 347 yards and 2 touchdowns and also added a rushing score. Bucky Irving and Rachaad White had identical 10 rushing attempts for 49 yards. But Irving added a touchdown. Mike Evans caught 8 balls for 94 yards and a touchdown. Chris Godwin snagged 6 passes for 69 yards. Cade Otton added 6 grabs for 52 yards. Jalen Hurts had a whopping 158 passing yards and a touchdown. He kind of salvaged his day with 20 rushing yards and a score. Saquan Barkley had 116 total yards but no scores. Dallas Goedert tallied 7 receptions for 62 yards. Parris Campbell — remember him? — caught 4 balls for 17 yards and a touchdown.
Bengals 34, Panthers 24: Despite another strong outing from the Red Rifle, Andy Dalton, the Bengals outpaced the Panthers for the win. Dalton had 220 yards and 2 touchdowns. Chuba Hubbard rushed for 104 yards and a score. Diontae Johnson continued his success with Dalton at the helm, catching 7 balls for 83 yards and a touchdown. Rookie Xavier Legette caught 6 balls for 66 yards and a score. For the Bengals, Joe Burrow tossed for 232 yards and 2 touchdowns. Chase Brown rushed 15 times for 80 yards and 2 scores. Zack Moss added 51 yards on the ground and another 27 and a touchdown through the air. Ja’Marr Chase caught 3 passes for 85 yards and a touchdown. Tee Higgins added 6 catches for 60 yards.
Texans 24, Jaguars 20: The Jags moved to 0-4 on the season as their defense struggles to stop anybody. C.J. Stroud threw for 345 yards and 2 touchdowns. Cam Akers rushed for 53 yards. Nico Collins caught 12 passes for 151 yards and a touchdown. Stefon Diggs totalled 5 catches for 69 yards. Dare Ogunbowale — God bless you — caught 4 balls for 47 yards and a score. Trevor Lawrence continues to provide bland fantasy production, throwing for 169 yards and 2 scores in this one. Tank Bigsby led the team in rushing with 90 yards on 7 carries, with Travis Etienne adding 50 yards on 11 attempts. Brian Thomas Jr. continued his impressive rookie season tallying 6 catches for 86 yards and a touchdown. Christian Kirk emerged from the grave with 7 catches for 61 yards and a touchdown.
Commanders 42, Cardinals 14: There continue to be a lot of rumblings about the Bears possibly drafting the wrong quarterback as Jayden Daniels’ red hot start continues. Daniels threw for 233 yards and a touchdown while adding 47 yards and a score on the ground. Brian Robinson Jr. rushed for 101 yards and a touchdown while Jeremy McNichols rushed for 68 and 2 scores. Something called Olamide Zaccheaus caught 6 balls for 85 yards. Terry McLaurin caught 7 passes for 52 yards and a touchdown. Kyler Murray had a pedestrian day with 142 passing yards and a score. James Conner rushed for 104 yards and a touchdown. Marvin Harrison Jr. caught 5 passes for 45 yards and a touchdown. And… no one else really matters.
49ers 30, Patriots 13: The 49ers cruised to an easy victory as the Patriots continue to struggle to find an offensive identity. Brock Purdy threw for 288 yards and a touchdown. Jordan Mason continues to be the luckiest player in the NFL, rushing for 123 yards and a touchdown in that excellent Niners offense. Jauan Jennings — yes, still him — caught 3 balls for 88 yards. George Kittle caught 4 balls for 45 yards and a touchdown. For the Patriots … well, you shouldn’t really have anybody on the Patriots.
Raiders 20, Browns 16: The Browns are in purgatory right now as Deshaun Watson’s bad contract looms large. Not a great fantasy day in this one. Alexander Mattison had 60 rushing yards while Zamir White had 50. DJ Turner had an 18-yard rushing touchdown. Jakobi Meyers caught 5 balls for 49 yards. Yay. Watson tossed for 176 yards and a touchdown in the loss. Jerome Ford had 58 yards rushing and 7 catches for 27 receiving yards. Jerry Jeudy caught 6 balls for 72 yards. A billion dollars was the winning prize if you were in the “Blake Whiteheart to score a touchdown” sweepstakes.
Chiefs 17, Chargers 10: The Chiefs lost Rashee Rice early in this game after Patrick Mahomes hit him with friendly fire on a tackle attempt. That didn’t stop them from slipping away with the win. Rice had zero stats before his season went down the drain; I hope you had him on the bench. Mahomes threw for 245 yards and a touchdown. Kareem Hunt led the team with 69 rushing yards. Mr. Taylor Swift caught 7 balls for 89 yards while Xavier Worthy somehow caught 3 balls for 73 yards and a touchdown. Justin Herbert had just 179 passing yards and a touchdown. The Chargers had a combined 55 rushing yards, so I hope you had nobody from their backfield. Ladd McConkey tallied 5 receptions for 67 yards and a touchdown. Nobody else really mattered.
Ravens 35, Bills 10: Amidst the Bills’ red hot start, the Ravens stood up and said, “Nuh-uh… remember us?” Lamar Jackson threw for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns while adding another 54 and a score on the ground. Derrick Henry somehow found the fountain of youth while rushing for 199 yards and a touchdown, while also adding 3 catches and a receiving score. Justice Hill caught 6 passes for 78 yards and a score. Josh Allen threw for 180 yards but no scores. James Cook rushed for only 39 yards — as he should. Khalil Shakir, by default, led the team with 62 receiving yards on 4 receptions. Keon Coleman added 3 receptions for 51 yards.
Titans 31, Dolphins 12: So long as they don’t have a quarterback, the vaunted Dolphins offense looks pedestrian, making all their players tough fantasy starts. Mason Rudolph and Will Levis combined for 102 passing yards, so… yeah, they were fantasy irrelevant. Tony Pollard rushed for 88 yards and a touchdown while Tyjae Spears added 39 yards and a score. Tyler Huntley was playing quarterback for the Dolphins, so… I hope you had all Dolphins on the bench.
Lions 42, Seahawks 29: Somebody better stop the Lions; they’re a runaway freight train right now. Jared Goff threw a perfect 18-of-18 for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns. Yeah, that Jared Goff. The former castoff. All I can say is, Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson will be the hottest head coaching candidate this offseason. Jahmyr Gibbs rushed for 78 yards and 2 touchdowns while David Montgomery added 40 yards and a score. Jameson Williams had a relevant day thanks to a 70-yard touchdown reception. He only had one other catch and 10 other yards. Sam LaPorta continues to disappoint, tallying only 4 receptions for 53 yards. Amon-Ra St. Brown finished with 6 receptions for 45 yards and a touchdown. Geno Smith passed for a whopping 395 yards and a touchdown while adding another 38 on the ground. Ken Walker rushed for 80 yards and 3 touchdowns in his return from injury. D.K. Metcalf caught 7 balls for 104 yards while Tyler Lockett caught 5 passes for 61 yards. Jaxon Smith-Njigba tallied 8 receptions for 51 yards.
